Tony Brings Dinner
by USAFChief
Summary: A TIVA crack!fic that doesn't include TIVA although they are in the room together.


Disclaimer: Is this really necessary? They just sneak in to play and leave again before the next episode. Anyway, nobody gets anything out of it, but a laugh or two, hopefully.

A/N: Several months ago MEWofford published _Fear the Fan_, a crack!fic that I loved and that opened my mind to almost limitless possibilities to poke fun at some of the NCIS characters as well as some FFN writers and readers. She has graciously allowed me to use her mary sue FAN to populate my own AU NCIS world. Some of the dialog in this little piece will be hard to understand if you have not read MEWofford's original story and those of mine that precede this one. Yes, it is a crude attempt to get you to take a look at my other work. I wrote this one as a surprise gift to my beta and my friend who keeps the pressure on when I need it.

* * *

Tony Brings Dinner

"Hey, Probie, I'm going to a civil war reenactment down in West Virginia tomorrow, wanna tag along?"

"Tony, you hate civil war reenactments. They call you 'little poo boy,' remember? What are you really doing?"

"I'm trying to come to grips with my history, McTrebec, so I'm going to go do something my dad and I did together. Come on with me. It'll be fun."

"Sorry, Tony, I've already made plans. I'll be busy all day Saturday and Sunday – probably until late into the night."

Tony began to pout, but realized he might snag another co-worker. "Ziva, want to learn a little American history firsthand? You'll see actual American Civil War battles unfold before your eyes."

"No, thank you, Tony. I also have already made plans for the weekend. I am taking a citizenship qualification pre-exam with my study group. The results will tell me where I need to concentrate my studies."

"Boss…"

"Don't even think about it, DiNozzo."

"Man. All I want is to spend some time with my co-workers and all I get is excuses," Tony mumbled to himself.

"What's that, Tony?" asked Abby as she walked into the bullpen. "You want to do something with co-workers? You can come with me to the Renaissance Faire. There will be jousting and fair maidens to bring you mulled wine when you get thirsty. What do you say?"

"No, thanks, I'm going to West Virginia to watch a Civil War reenactment."

"What? Did they run out of poo boys and send for you? What's up with that?"

"No, Abby. I told McGee, I'm trying to connect with my past, so this is a first step."

"Oh, man, that's really cool, Tony. I'd even come with you, but I've already got my costume and a couple of cute girls are going with me and I thought you might like to go along. How about you, McGee?"

"No, thanks, Abby. I'm moving this weekend, remember?"

Tony, Ziva and Gibbs all looked at McGee in surprise. Tony was the first to speak.

"Why are we just now hearing about this, McSecretive? Where are you moving to? Why are you moving – you're right across from the dog park, and you love your apartment. What's up?"

"It's just time to move to a little larger place, Tony. It's no big deal."

Gibbs smirked. Ziva sat back in her chair and smiled widely. Abby bounced in excitement.

"What does everyone know that I don't?" asked Tony. "Something is going on. Spill the beans, McGee."

McGee looked at him soberly and finally spoke. "Janice asked me to move in with her."

"Janice? Dr. Man Hands? You're moving in with Dr. Man Hands? Way to go, Probie!"

"Tell him the rest, McGee," said Abby.

McGee frowned at Abby and shook his head. Tony saw the movement and could not contain himself.

"What's the rest, McGee? What's going on? Is there something bad about the move? You can tell me. C'mon McGee. Don't keep us all in suspense."

"Weelll…Susan is moving to Janice's place, too."

"The catfight girls!? You're moving in with both catfight girls? How did this happen? When did this happen? What's going on with our McProbie?"

"Tony, I'm telling you, it's no big deal. Janice inherited a large brownstone in Georgetown from her parents. It has much more room that she can use by herself so she decided she wanted to share it with some friends."

Gibbs' smile was now as large as Ziva's and they both sat back in their chairs, relaxed, while Abby continued to bounce excitedly and Tony grilled McGee.

"Well, if it's no big deal, McGee, why didn't you tell us? And how did you get those two women to make up so quickly. They were screaming and fighting up in Vance's office just a couple of weeks ago, and now the three of you are moving in together? What have you been up to, Probilicious?"

"Nothing. Ziva did it all. She's a very persuasive woman."

"Thank you, McGee. However, I believe your charm and gentle manner had a great deal to do with how this has turned out."

"Everybody back to work! Break time is over." Gibbs was still smiling as he turned to his keyboard and monitor.

* * *

Tim, Susan and Janice were tired to the bone. They had been moving furniture and boxes all day long and now they were slouched on the large couch in the living room waiting for delivery of the Chinese food Janice had ordered. When the doorbell rang, Tim got to his feet saying, "I'll get it," reaching for his wallet and walking toward the front door.

"Abby. Ziva. What are you doing here? Come on in. We're just taking a quick break."

Ziva held a bouquet of flowers toward McGee. "A little moving present from the both of us, McGee."

"Thank you very much, Ziva, and you, too, Abby."

He escorted the two women into the living room. "I think we know one another, don't we? Susan, you've met Abby, haven't you?"

"Yes, Tim, I met Abby when I first went to work at NCIS."

Both Janice and Susan had gotten to their feet. Janice said, "Let me put those flowers into a vase, Tim. Thank you very much, ladies, they are lovely and a thoughtful gift. Please have a seat anywhere. We're just waiting for dinner to be delivered. I think there will be plenty for all of us – Chinese."

As she turned to walk away the doorbell rang again. Janice turned toward the door, but Tim was already on his way, wallet in hand. When he opened the door he just stood there without saying anything. From outside a female voice said, "Hi, Tim. We followed Ziva and Abby. Can we talk to them for a minute?"

"Um…er…ah, of course, come on in. I'll get them."

Two women walked into the foyer. The taller woman was almost six feet tall with a cap of snow white hair and Tim recognized her as the mystery woman that Abby and Ziva called Snippy. The other woman was shorter and had long dark hair – darker than Ziva's. She was dressed in skin tight black leather, and she had an enigmatic smile on her face. She only nodded at McGee as she entered.

"Ziva, Abby, your friend Snippy is here with a friend and would like to talk to you." Then addressing himself to the ladies in the doorway, he said, "Come in, please. You can talk to them in here."

Janice stood staring at the two women. Susan appeared in the hallway with Abby and Ziva. There was quite a crowd in the entrance way when ME said, "Hi, for those of you who don't already recognize me, I'm ME and this is the Elflordsmistress."

Janice and Susan obviously knew that Tim was sometimes called the Elf Lord, because they both turned to him immediately with questions in their eyes. He was blushing to the roots of his hair.

Susan said, "Tim…"

She was interrupted quickly by Abby who quickly said, "Don't worry, Janice, Susan, it's just the name she uses when she writes fan fiction. She's not really Tim's mistress."

Tim, Susan and Janice all allowed themselves to breathe again. Janice even smiled when she said, "Welcome to our home. Please come in. You can sit while you talk to your friends."

As they moved back into the living room, an excited Abby said to Ziva in a lower than usual voice, "Can you believe it, Ziva? Elflordsmistress is here…in the same room with us. She's the one who writes the JIBBS stories I showed you, remember? Oh, God, what do I say to her? I'm so excited, I might pee my pants. Oh, god. Oh, god. Oh, god. Timmy, where is the closest bathroom?"

Tim pointed and Abby hurried off not wanting to miss any of the conversation that was about to take place. Over her shoulder she called to Ziva, "talk to them, Ziva, but not too much. I want to hear everything…I'll hurry. Oh, god…Elflordsmistress! I can't believe it."

Susan asked, "Can I get you anything to drink, ladies? Soft drink? A glass of wine. Anything?"

ME replied, "A glass of water would be very nice, thank you."

"Do you happen to have Kinnie? No, I didn't think so. Water will be fine." Elflordsmistress' voice was low pitched and sultry with an accent none of them could place, and she had a very pleasant smile on her lips all the time.

Ziva noticed the smile did not quite reach Elflordsmistress' eyes as she addressed her, "I have read some of your JIBBS stories. I am quite impressed. Are you here to help Snippy, er…ME in her quest to achieve TIVA?"

ME answered for her, "She is a great friend and a formidable enemy. I'm very glad she's on my side of the fight for the fulfillment of love at NCIS. And you know what love I'm talking about."

"I can speak for myself, ME. I have come to protest the manner in which NCIS plots are left to wither and die with no resolution. There are too many things Shane Brennan leaves to the imagination, the TIVA story being one of them. I intend to assure he understands our point of view. If he refuses, I shall flail him unmercifully." Her voice was soft, but no one misunderstood her tone. She was as serious as Ziva handling a weapon.

Abby came bouncing back into the room. She mistook the quiet and immediately said, "Did someone insult someone? This place is too quiet. We need music. We need talk. So were you all talking about me and now you feel like you have to quit just cause I'm here?"

Ziva said, "We were just waiting for your return Abby, as you asked us to do."

"Oh. Okay. Let's get on with it then. What's up, Snippy?"

The doorbell rang again. "Man, I hope that's the food. I'm getting hungry," said Tim as he walked to the door for third time.

It was the Chinese delivery man with three large bags of food. Tim paid him and gave him a very generous tip and thanked him with a smile. The man smiled back, bowed his head slightly and walked away.

While Tim was out of the room, Abby looked at Elflordsmistress and said, "I am a big, big fan of yours. I have read everything you've ever written and I just love the way you make things come to life in your stories. I wish you'd write TIVA sometime, I know it would just be wonderful with Tony and Ziva making mad passionate love and …"

"I have written a TIVA story, Abby. So evidently you missed at least one." Elflordsmistress said with a happy smile.

"Oh, no! Now I have to go back through all your stories to look for it, and you have written like a thousand stories and they're all so good I know I'll get stuck just reading and reading I might never find it. What's the name?"

"Now, that would ruin the fun, wouldn't it?"

ME interrupted, "Ziva, we're going to be here until we find Shane Brennan and give him a piece of our minds, but we need a place to stay, can you help us?"

Janice had just walked into the room to invite everyone to eat and heard the question. "We have plenty of space here. There's a spare bedroom if you don't mind sharing." Then she smiled almost shyly and said, "Or there may be a couple of spare bedrooms if things work out the way Susan and I planned."

Before anyone could say anything further, Ziva broke in. "Snippy – ME, I must tell you again, we do not know anyone named Shane Brennan. He is not a suspect. He is not in NCIS. I have checked all our records and I cannot find a mention of him anywhere. I am afraid you are barking at the wrong bush."

"Barking up the wrong tree," said ME, Abby and Elflordmistress simultaneously.

"She's right. Since you were here with your legion of Amazons, I have been checking too, and I can't find anything related to Shane Brennan," said Abby. "I wish we could help you, but I'm at my wits end to find anything."

"Well, that's it then. We'll just head on back home. Let's go." As ME said the last words she looked at Elflordsmistress and turned as if to go to the door. Elflordsmistress stood still watching her friend as if she knew what was coming next.

ME whirled back around, fire in her eyes and said, "Do you really think I'm going to buy that load of crap and give up? Do you think I'm going to give up the dreams of hundreds of fans around the world who are depending on me to make TIVA a reality? No way, damn it!

There was a loud clap of thunder. The house lights flickered. The doorbell rang. A cell phone rang. The phone rang again as Elflordsmistress dug in her black leather purse, which could have doubled as a personal carry-on at any airlines. She finally found it as it rang a third time. She turned away from the group as she answered.

Susan hurried past the group to answer the door. She opened it to reveal a drenched Tony Diozzo carrying three large pizza boxes. "Hi, Susan, I come bearing Italian food straight from the best pizzeria in D.C. Thought the weary workers might be a little hungry. You help McGee move today, Susan?"

"Come in – get out of that downpour. No, actually he was helping me move today."

Tony was still shocked by the fact that McGee had two girlfriends. Gibbs was going to kill him for breaking rule twelve twice – or maybe they didn't count since they weren't field agents. How did this happen without him knowing about it? "Have I completely lost my snooping abilities?" he asked himself aloud.

"You seem to have lost everything else, DiNozzo, so why not that too?"

Oh, god, that voice…what was SHE doing here? He was afraid to look, but knew he had to confirm his suspicions. He looked up and there she was…his nemesis…The Fan, and it looked like she had help with her. He took a double take…the woman in black leather was staring back at him as if he had two heads!

"Don't talk to me! I'm here to see my friend McGee and bring him food. I do not need you making my life miserable. Who's your friend?"

The friend in question provided her own response, "Pfffttt."

Abby grabbed his arm and whispered to him, "Tony, you smell like horse manure. Maybe you should take off your boots? I'll tell you about the other lady in a minute. Give me the pizzas. You take care of those nasty boots, okay?"

Elflordsmistress took advantage of the opening and said softly, "ME, I'm very sorry, but I have pressing business that I must take care of at home. I must leave you here. I wouldn't do it for anything in the world, usually, but for this, I must. You understand, don't you?"

"Certainly, you do what you have to do. I can take care of these kids. I'll get what we need and you come on back when you can."

Elflordsmistress spoke to the group saying, "Can someone please give me the number of a taxi company, I have to go to the airport."

Abby was just reentering the room and heard the request. "There's no need for that. I have my hot rod out on the street. I'll take you. It'll be lots faster and you won't have to wait for a taxi. Ziva, you want to go with us?"

"No, I think I will stay here with Sni, um, ME and try to keep her out of trouble. You can come back to get me, yes?"

"Sure. I'll be back in a couple of hours if traffic isn't too terrible. Which airport? Dulles or National?" This was addressed to Elflordsmistress.

"Either is fine. Both have continuous flights to where I need to go."

"Ok, we'll go to National. It's lots closer."

The two women walked toward the door and just before they left, Abby turned to Tony and whispered, "She's the Elflordsmistress." Then she shut the door behind her.

Tony's mouth dropped open. Ziva had heard the whisper and she laughed out loud at Tony's reaction. Susan covered her mouth as she tried to contain her own laugh. ME stared at Tony with an evil grin on her face.

"Okay, I gotta get this straight. McGee is moving into a house that none of the rest of us combined could afford – with two hot women who had a catfight over him, and he had his mistress here at the same time he is just moving in? Did I leave anything out?"

Tim and Janice appeared in the doorway. "Hey, folks," said Tim, "we've got food getting cold out here. Come on to the dining room and let's eat and talk in there. Thanks for the pizza, Tony. We've got Chinese, also. Two of your favorites." He put his arms around both Janice and Susan and walked out with one on each side, their arms around his waist. Ziva and ME followed them.

Tony was completely bewildered. He sank to the floor in total disarray, his head spinning with what he had just heard and seen. Here he was in the worst sexual dry spell of his entire life…with no chest hair…and the only flirtation he'd had in a year had been the HR lady, and, dear god, that was unthinkable. The crazy TIVA lady was here to probably tie him to another bed and do who knows what to his body. And McGee, his probie, had two live-in roommates and a mistress. He raised his face to the ceiling and yelled, "I wanna go back to Ohio State where I understand what's going on!"

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Please understand that if you do not review you will be added to the LIST: those who are waiting to be "flailed unmercifully" by unnamed persons.


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